You might be a Republican if
* You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
* You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two.”
* You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
* You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
* You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
* You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
* You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
* The only union you support is the baseball players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
* You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
* You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
* You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
* You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
* You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb them.”
* You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
* You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
* You answer to “The Man.”
* You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
* You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
* When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
* You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
* You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
* You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
* Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
* You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
* You’ve ever said “Clean air?
Looks clean to me.”
* You’ve ever called education a luxury.
* You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
* You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
* You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
* You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
* You’re afraid of the liberal media.”
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
* You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
* You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
* You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
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