Attention employees
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING:She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:She’s a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING:Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING:Really?
INSTEAD OF:You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING:Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:It’s not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING:That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:This sh__ won’t work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING:I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING:He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:He’s got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING:Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__it, I’m on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING:He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
What Difference Time Can Make
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today?
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit in the living room.
6 years : Here’s the money and buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : DAMM PICK UP THE PHONE!
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, I’ll never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said?
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a ship?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch SPORTS CHANNEL, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!
What Job Ads Really Mean
Competitive Salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.
Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
Problem-solving skills a must
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
