The Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
What Women Want
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall,exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.
On one condition Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said…
‘Clean my house.’
25 Things Stressed Women Say At Work
# Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
# You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
# Well this day was a total waste of make up
# Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
# Do I look like a people person?
# This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
# I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
# Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
# Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
# I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
# Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
# Do they ever shut up on your planet?
# I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
# Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
# Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
# Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
# I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
# Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
# Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
# Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
# Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
# You look like shit. Is that the style now?
# Earth is full. Go home.
# Aw, did I step on our poor little itty bitty ego?
# I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
