Women Came First
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?”, comes the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball
about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”
Short jokes women tell about men
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit rugby stadium.
Q: What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass and the other’s a chimpanzee.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: They don’t have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won’t stop to ask directions!
Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men’s Stupidity
Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They’re usually intended for the children, but it’s the husbands who end up playing with them!
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
Cars do you want in Heaven
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”
St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”
The guy replied, “24 years.”
St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to drive.”
The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive.”
A little while later, the two guys with the Mercedes and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”
