Cars do you want in Heaven
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”
St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”
The guy replied, “24 years.”
St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to drive.”
The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive.”
A little while later, the two guys with the Mercedes and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”
Brave man jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Presents for the wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.”
