The Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
My Stupid Ex
You want to know how stupid my ex really is? Note, most of these are equal opportunity insults. If your ex is female instead of male, just switch the pronoun.
1. He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3. He misspells I.Q.
4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
5. Under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics.”
6. He tripped over a cordless phone.
7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate.”
8. At the bottom of the job application where it says “sign here,” he put “Sagittarius.”
9. He studied for a blood test.
10. When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
11. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
12. If he spoke his mind, he’d be speechless.
13. He thought he could only use his AM radio in the morning.
14. He has a shirt that says “TGIF.” He thought stood for “This Goes In Front
15. To call him childish is an insult to children everywhere.
16. He has reach rock bottom and started to dig.
17. His gene pool needs chlorination.
18. He�s not so much a has-been as a definitely-won�t-be.
19. He only opens his mouth to change feet.
20. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
21. He has delusions of adequacy.
22. He qualifies as a gross ignoramus; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
23. He would argue with a signpost.
24. He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.
25. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
26. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.
27. He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection.
28. He is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
29. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
30. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
31. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
32. It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
33. If ignorance is bliss, he�s one of the happiest people alive.
34. He stopped to think and forgot to start again.
35. His sole purpose may be to serve as a warning to others.
36. He thinks a hard-on counts as personal growth.
37. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
38. He is as smart as bait.
39. In an emergency he can�t dial 911, because there�s no 11 on his phone.
40. He doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
41. He forgot to pay his brain bill.
42. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
43. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
44. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
45. He is missing a few buttons on his remote control.
46. His receiver is off the hook.
47. He would go surfing in Nebraska.
48. He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
49. He is dumber than a box of lint.
50. He took as IQ test and results came back negative.
51. He is all foam and no beer.
52. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Irish wife
At the World Women’s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: “At last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
