Funny signs from USA
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
“Now serving live lobsters”
On the menu of a restaurant
“Blackened bluefish”
In a Maine restaurant
“Open seven days a week and weekends.”
In a New Jersey restaurant
“Open seven days a week and weekends.”
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.– Sisters of Mercy”
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
“Thirty-eight years on the same spot.”
In a New York drugstore
“We dispense with accuracy.”
In a New York medical building
“Mental Health Prevention Center”
On a New York convalescent home
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church”
In a funeral parlor
“Ask about our layaway plan.”
In a clothing store
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
Outside a country shop
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store
“15 men’s wool suits – $100 – They won’t last an hour!”
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
“Parking for birds only.”
In the vestry of a New England church
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished”
In a laundry room
“Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.”
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago
“Do not activate with wet hands.”
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
“Ears pierced while you wait.”
In a New York restaurant
“Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.”
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
“Crap – .79/lb.”
In a Florida maternity ward
“No children allowed.”
In the offices of a loan company
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
At a number of US military bases
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of ‘You are my one and only’ valentine cards
“Now available in multi-packs”
In the window of an Oregon general store
“Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?”
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On the grounds of a private school
“No trespassing without permission.”
In a library
“Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.”
On a Tennessee highway
“Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
“If you can’t read this, it’s time you wash your car.”
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
“Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.”
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal
“Terminal Drugs”
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
“If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.”
On a delicatessen wall
“Our best is none too good”
On a roller caoster
“Watch your head”
On a Maine shop
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
In downtown Boston
“Callahan Tunnel / No end.”
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
“Inexpensive, Quality Daycare – Openings Day and Night.”
Guide for Driving in LA
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, drive alongside them and signal frantically to them that they had accidentally turned on their signal lights. This is to prevent confusing other LA drivers who have never seen those lights before.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
The Prayer
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
