Short Christmas Jokes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It’s Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
The letter “D” !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he’s Sooty !
Mother in law short jokes
# The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, “Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner.”
“Good.” replied the husband, “Make sure she’s well done.”
# My mother-in-law’s other car is a Broom!
# My mother-in-law said to me, “I’ll dance on your grave.” I said, “I hope you do. I’m being buried at sea.”
# My mother-in-law is a well balanced person. She’s got a chip on BOTH shoulders
# I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
# My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years,
Then we met each other.
# Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-laws’ door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
# Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
# Does it really surprise anyone that mother-in-law’s Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
# My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now?
She’s fine, but the dog died.
# My mother-in-law asked me, “If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf above the open fireplace)?” I told her, “So as to keep the kids away from the fire.”
# I don’t say my mother-in-law is ugly … but round our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up to the police.
# How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
# One cannibal says to the other: “I can’t stand my mother-in-law.”
The other says: “Why don’t you just eat the vegetables?”
# I always know when it’s the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.
# The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Sure you can.” And shut the door .
# What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits ’til you are dead before it eats your heart out.
# Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, “No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law.”
# How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
# A pharmacist tell a customer.
In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough.
# Mother to daughter.
Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.
# Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
# The lawyer cabled his client overseas: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Back came the reply, “Take no chances – order all three.”
Politically incorrect jokes: Blonde one liner jokes
Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
They don’t know the route.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
“It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
Why don’t blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.
Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists?
They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t remember the number.
OR: She can’t find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles.
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
Divorcee’
What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?
What do you call a zit on a blonde’s bum?
A brain tumor.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!
Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She’d just dyed her hair.
OR: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Why don’t a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.
What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods.
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun
— They just don’t remember with whom.
What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
An air bag.
Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
It’s too hard to re-train them.
What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men?
Their heels.
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.
What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!
How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb!
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dun no!
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said ‘concentrate’.
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.
Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s white-out on the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s writing on the white-out.
Why don’t blondes eat Jell-O?
They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”
What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
OR: I don’t know.
OR: Neither did she.
