Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehova’s Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism Let’s smoke this shit.
1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.
2. You think that the primary aim of an omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.
3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.
4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.
5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “without a belief in God ” and not just ” belief that there is no god”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.
6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.
7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”
8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.
9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.
10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.
11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.
12. You refuse to eat at Church’s Chicken, and it’s NOT because the chicken’s too greasy.
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child”