Special postage stamp
A politician wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.
He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.
The report said, “There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.”
You might be a Republican if
* You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
* You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two.”
* You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
* You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
* You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
* You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
* You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
* The only union you support is the baseball players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
* You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
* You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
* You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
* You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
* You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb them.”
* You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
* You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
* You answer to “The Man.”
* You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
* You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
* When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
* You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
* You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
* You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
* Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
* You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
* You’ve ever said “Clean air?
Looks clean to me.”
* You’ve ever called education a luxury.
* You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
* You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
* You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
* You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
* You’re afraid of the liberal media.”
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
* You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
* You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
* You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
You might be a Liberal if
# You think people who make above minimum wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.
# Upon hearing that President Clinton committed a rape and murder as part of Whitewater, you replied, “So what?”
# You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.
# You think Hillary Clinton is, “A babe.”
# You think George Stephenapolis is, “A hunk.”
# You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.
# You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.
# If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.
# You are not shocked when someone says “F—” but are profoundly shocked when someone says “N—-”.
# You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poodles.
# You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.
# Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.
# You are against sexual harassment except when committed by Senator Kennedy.
# You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.
# You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.
# You ever proposed that cockroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.
# You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.
# You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.
# You once referred to President Reagan as “that man in the White House.”
# You think that the Unabomber “has a point.”
# You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.
# You cried out, “Where did I go wrong!” when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.
# You’ve felt compelled to buy the child rearing book entitled, “How to get your Children to Say No in the 90s When You Said Yes in the 60s.”
# You think O.J. is actually innocent, but that Bernard Goetz is not.
# You don’t go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.
Or Pat Schroeder
Or David Bonior.
# You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests
