Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
They don’t know the route.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
“It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

Why don’t blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.

Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists?
They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t remember the number.
OR: She can’t find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath

What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles.

What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
Divorcee’

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What do you call a zit on a blonde’s bum?
A brain tumor.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She’d just dyed her hair.
OR: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

Why don’t a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.

What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods.

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun
— They just don’t remember with whom.

What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
An air bag.

Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
It’s too hard to re-train them.

What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men?
Their heels.

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.

What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!

How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb!

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dun no!

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!

What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.

How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s writing on the white-out.

Why don’t blondes eat Jell-O?
They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
OR: I don’t know.
OR: Neither did she.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
4. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
7. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
11. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
13. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
14. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
16. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
17. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
19. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
24. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
26. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
27. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.
30. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
31. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
32. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
37. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
38. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
39. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
42. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
44. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
45. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
46. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
47. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
48. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
50. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
51. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
52. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
55. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
56. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
57. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
58. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
59. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
60. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
61. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
62. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
63. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
64. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
65. If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
66. Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
67. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
68. A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
69. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
70. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
71. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
72. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
73. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
74. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
75. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
76. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
77. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
78. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
79. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
80. Opinions are indeed like assholes, some are just bigger than others.
81. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
82. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
83. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
84. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
86. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
87. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
88. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
89. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
90. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
91. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
92. Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
93. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
94. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
95. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
96. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
97. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
98. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
99. I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
100. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.