Crawling Back Home
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Community Service
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks the barber about his bill. “I’m sorry, I can’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there’s a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
Later that day a cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
Later that day a Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber what he owes, the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”
The Democrat is very happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen Democrats waiting at his door.
Men Can Never Understand Women
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong.
