I do anything for you
A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy replies, “Hey, why not?”
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
Brave man jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
A Texan on holiday
A Texas farmer went to Australia on vacation.
There he met an Aussie farmer who took him on a tour of his farm.
The Aussie showed of his big wheat field and the Texan said, ‘We have wheat fields twice the size of this.’
They walked around the farm a little and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle and the Texan said, ‘We have longhorns at least twice as big as your cows.’
All of a sudden the Texan saw a huge herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. ‘And what are those?’, he asked.
The Aussie replied, ‘Dont you have grasshoppers in Texas?’
