Hilarious signs
Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Men Can Never Understand Women
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong.
Top 20 Short Blonde Jokes
1. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year’s hide and seek champion.
2: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
3. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.
4. What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An in-body experience!
5. What did the dumb blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
6. Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.
7. How do you get a dumb blonde to marry you?
Tell her she’s pregnant.
8. How do dumb blonde braincells die?
Alone.
9. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A number of people claim to have seen a Bigfoot.
10. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
11. What do you call a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
12. Where does a blonde hemophiliac go for medical treatment?
An acupuncturist.
13. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.
14. Why do blondes drive VW’s?
Because none of them can spell Porsche.
15. How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t — they’re born that way.
16. How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.
17. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell — she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth!
18. What does an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?
No matter how often you hear about them, you never see one.
19: What do you call a blonde with a 50 I.Q.?
Gifted.
20. Why do blondes have square boobs?
No one told them to take the tissues out of the box first.
