15 Signs You Drank Too Much
15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile.
8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
Driving home very drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
“Are you Mr. Johnson?” the asked? He admitted that he was.
“Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?” Again, the man admitted that was he.
“And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.” The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
“Where is your car now?” the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
“May we see the car?” asked the troopers. The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
A drunk have only one love
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
“You have three wishes, choose them wisely.” says the Genie.
The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, “I want a beer that will never run out.”
*Poof*
A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.
“Where are you going,” asks the Genie, “You still have two wishes left!”
“Well,” replies the guy, “Give me TWO more of these!”