Funny Church Signs
- “No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”
- “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
- “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
- “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
- An ad for St.Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
- When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
- “Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
- A singing group called “The Resurrection” was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, “The Resurrection is postponed.”
- “People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
- “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”
- “Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”
- “When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”
- “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”
- “Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”
- “How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”
- “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”:
- “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
- “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
- “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
- “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
- “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
- “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
- “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?”
- “Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”
- “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
- “Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”
- “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
Marriage and the Church
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Priest.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?” “No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” inquired the priest.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it” said the young man.
“When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church” stated the priest.
“We know,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either…”