An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, “In the great U.S. of America we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice”.
Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American`s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, “In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice”.
Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, “In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice”.
Received by e-mail from Michelle Baudoin. Thanks!
- In jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
- It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday.
- It is illegal top wear a dake moustache that causes laughter in church.
- Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
- In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
- While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
- In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
- In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
- In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
- In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.
- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
- In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill “any living creature”.
- Schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.
- Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.
- In Los Angeles, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
- It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
- In Pacific Groove, “molesting” butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
- In Pasadena, it is illigal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
- It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
- In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
- In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
- It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.
- In Durango, it is illegal to go out in public dressed in clothing “unbecoming” one’s sex.
- In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
- In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.
- In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.
- It is illegal to dispose used razor blades.
- In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.
- In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
- In Lewes, it is illegal to wear pants that are “form-fitting” around the waist.
- Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
- It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
- In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
- Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
- In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
- All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads.
- In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one’s porch in an indecent position.
- In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
- It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.
- It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
- It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.
- In Pocatello, “the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.”
- Also in Pocatello, “It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city’s reputation.”
- Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.
- In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being “an unsightly or disgusting object” are banned from going out in public.
- In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one’s pajamas.
- In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
- According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is “American”.
- In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
- In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
- Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
- In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.
- The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.
- State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
- In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.
- It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
- In Wichita, a man’s mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
- In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
- In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
- In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.
- It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
- State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground”.
- It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.
- In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
- It is considered “simple assault” to bite someone in New Orleans; it is “aggravated assault” if the biter has false teeth.
- It is against the law to gargle in public.
- In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
- The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
- In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.
- In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one’s nose in public.
- In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.
- Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
- In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
- It’s illegal to mistreat oysters.
- It’s illegal to play Randy Newman’s “Short People” on the radio.
- In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.
- It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
- North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying “space guns”.
- State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
- In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
- In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
- In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to “sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.”
- A state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.
- In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
- In Detroit, it is illegal to “ogle” a woman from a moving car.
- In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
- Under state law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”
- Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
- In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
- Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
- It’s illegal to tease skunks.
- It is still legal to kill one’s “servant”.
- In Truro, a would-be groom must “prove himself manly” prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.
- In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that “might frighten timid persons, children or animals.”
- In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.
- While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns.
- Missouri considers drunkenness an “inalienable right.”
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
- It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
- In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
- It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
- In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.
- In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers’ chests.
- If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
- It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
- In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
- It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
- In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
- Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.
- It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
- It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
- It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
- In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
- It is illegal to slurp soup.
- In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.
- In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
- The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.
- State officials ordered 400 words of “sexually explicit material” to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.
- In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”.
- In New York City, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look “at a woman in that way,” and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.
- In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a “faggot” or “queer” in an effort to curb “girlie behavior.”
- In New York City, “It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand.”
- In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
- In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
- Ironically, Hornytown has banned all massage parlors.
- State law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.
- It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
- In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
- It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
- It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.
- In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
- In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell cornflakes on Sunday.
- In Oxford, it is illegal for a women to disrobe in front of a man’s picture.
- In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
- Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.
- People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
- In Schulter, it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.
- One may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e., that which covers one’s body from neck to knee.
- The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
- Salem has barred women’s wrestling.
- In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
- “Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes”.
- In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.
- Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
- In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
- It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
- In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.
- Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.
- No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
- In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.
- It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
- Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
- It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
- In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
- In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
- Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; “a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.”
- The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
- A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
- In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons “of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.”
- It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
- In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
- In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
- In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
- In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
- Birds have the right of way on all highways.
- A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
- In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.
- Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
- It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
- It is illegal to whistle underwater.
- In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
- In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman’s derriere.
- There is a state law prohibiting “corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.”
- In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
- In Seattle, women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
- In Auburn, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
- Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
- It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.
- In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.
- Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
- It is illegal to snooze on a train.
- In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
- It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair.
- It is illegal to kiss on a train.
- Cheese making requires a cheese maker’s license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.
- It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples’ view in a public theater or place of amusement.
- It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
One day Osama bin Laden was walking in the desert and he stubbed his toe on some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped out.
“Oh great,” Osama bin Laden said, “I don’t have time for this Genie nonsense.”
“Oh wait,” said the Genie, “You have to let me grant you three wishes or I’ll be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand years.”
“Ok” said Osama bin Laden, so he wished that the Genie would give him three American women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who this man was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya Harding, Garcella Bevoux, and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His knee was bashed in, his penis was gone, and he had no health insurance.