Only in America
Only in America…… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America…… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America…… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America…… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America…… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America…… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America…… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America…… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America…… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Only in America…… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Indian boy in US school
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?’Patrick Henry, 1775′he said.
‘Very good! Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘F___ the Indians,’
‘Who said that?’ she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’ Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997′
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’ Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’ And Chandrasekhar said quietly, ‘I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008′.
Funny signs from USA
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
“Now serving live lobsters”
On the menu of a restaurant
“Blackened bluefish”
In a Maine restaurant
“Open seven days a week and weekends.”
In a New Jersey restaurant
“Open seven days a week and weekends.”
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.– Sisters of Mercy”
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
“Thirty-eight years on the same spot.”
In a New York drugstore
“We dispense with accuracy.”
In a New York medical building
“Mental Health Prevention Center”
On a New York convalescent home
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church”
In a funeral parlor
“Ask about our layaway plan.”
In a clothing store
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
Outside a country shop
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store
“15 men’s wool suits – $100 – They won’t last an hour!”
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
“Parking for birds only.”
In the vestry of a New England church
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished”
In a laundry room
“Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.”
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago
“Do not activate with wet hands.”
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
“Ears pierced while you wait.”
In a New York restaurant
“Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.”
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
“Crap – .79/lb.”
In a Florida maternity ward
“No children allowed.”
In the offices of a loan company
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
At a number of US military bases
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of ‘You are my one and only’ valentine cards
“Now available in multi-packs”
In the window of an Oregon general store
“Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?”
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On the grounds of a private school
“No trespassing without permission.”
In a library
“Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.”
On a Tennessee highway
“Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
“If you can’t read this, it’s time you wash your car.”
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
“Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.”
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal
“Terminal Drugs”
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
“If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.”
On a delicatessen wall
“Our best is none too good”
On a roller caoster
“Watch your head”
On a Maine shop
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
In downtown Boston
“Callahan Tunnel / No end.”
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
“Inexpensive, Quality Daycare – Openings Day and Night.”
