Headlines From 2030
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Mule in demand
One day, a farmer’s mother-in-law came down to his farm.
A few days later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her.
Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady’s funeral, some that the farmer didn’t even know.
A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, “Why are there so many people here?”
The farmer answered, “Oh, their not here for the funeral, they want to buy the mule.”
American Pie
Actual news clipping: A teenager who tried to copy a scene from the hit file ‘American Pie’ by shagging an apple pie was rushed to the hospital with serious burns to his penis.
Dwight Emburger, 17, couldn’t wait for the tasty pastry to cool down and after he slid in his pecker he was badly scalded by the hot filling.
A hospital spokesman in Boise, Idaho, said: ‘This demonstrates that producers should consider the effect their films have on young and impressionable people.’
I think the hospital spokesman should have been more worried about horny young idiots, than about impressionable young people.