Men Can Never Understand Women
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong.
Top 20 Short Blonde Jokes
1. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year’s hide and seek champion.
2: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
3. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.
4. What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An in-body experience!
5. What did the dumb blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
6. Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.
7. How do you get a dumb blonde to marry you?
Tell her she’s pregnant.
8. How do dumb blonde braincells die?
Alone.
9. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A number of people claim to have seen a Bigfoot.
10. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
11. What do you call a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
12. Where does a blonde hemophiliac go for medical treatment?
An acupuncturist.
13. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.
14. Why do blondes drive VW’s?
Because none of them can spell Porsche.
15. How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t — they’re born that way.
16. How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.
17. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell — she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth!
18. What does an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?
No matter how often you hear about them, you never see one.
19: What do you call a blonde with a 50 I.Q.?
Gifted.
20. Why do blondes have square boobs?
No one told them to take the tissues out of the box first.
Drinking Too Much Coffee?
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
