Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
Speak English
New Commandments
It’s about time someone updated those commandments, so here are some suggestions…
Thou shall not stick anything larger than thine own elbow in thine ear
Thou shall not eat anything larger than thine own head
Thou shall not kill; unless thou has a good reason to do it
Thou shall watch porn movies
Thou shall have an ego smaller than that of Prince Charles
Thou shall not impersonate God, unless thou is stoned off thy ass
Thou shall not piss in the holy water
Thou shall not piss in the pool water
Thou shall not sign a contract of more than seven thousand pages
Thou shall not write a contract larger than seven thousand pages
Thou shall not fantasize about Bob the Builder
Thou shall not lick thine own asshole
Thou shall not be Communist
Thou shall not masturbate into the Fountain of Youth
Thou shall not start the fourth Reich
Thou shall not set homework
Thou shall have a surname shorter than forty-six letters
Thou shall always believe in what thy say, unless thou is wrong
Thou shall not make love to a lamp-post
Thou shall not eat a Nintendo
Thou shall not eat a Playstation (Sega’s don’t matter)
Thou shall not be flexible enough to go through thine own legs twice, backwards, without breaking thy spine
Thou shall listen to an entire sentence before making some disgusting comment about it
Thou shall not desecrate thine own genitalia
Thou shall not be unco
Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz
Thou shall commit adultery
Thou shall hate all songs by Hanson (except maybe This Time Around)
Thou shall not create a song lasting longer than twenty-four minutes
Thou shall not bore shitless
Thou shall only install light switches smaller than the wall they are on
Thou shall consume alcohol only on special occasions, but these rules are very flexible, as Nuntas is included on the list, the celebration of the passing from morning to afternoon. (i.e. you can just make them up)
Thou shall not do the Hampsterdance
Thou shall not spell hamster incorrectly, with a P
Thou shall not enter a freestyle rapping competition
Thou shall succumb to advertising
Thou shall not try to “show the bank” by not paying your bill
Thou shall break out of prison, unless thou is not in jail, in which case thou shall commit a felony, then break out of prison [Please do not take this literally]
Thou shall not be a Video Jockey (VJ)
Thou shall not market Windows XP
Thou shall not be part of a pop group
Thou shall pirate all forms of media possible
Thou shall not play Ookeymouth (This game consists of having someone spit in your mouth and trying to say “ookeymouth” at the same time)
Thou shall not use Mad magazine as a basis for real life
Thou shall not make a pocket television that fits in a change pocket
Thou shall not stand in the street and scream “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!” in any language
Thou shall destroy anything to do with any sort of “mon”. Pokemon, Digimon® it’s all got to go.
Thou shall not chuck a psycho
Thow shall use good spelling
