An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, “In the great U.S. of America we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice”.
Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American`s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, “In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice”.
Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, “In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice”.
Received by e-mail from Michelle Baudoin. Thanks!
Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Sid,” asked Mundo, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”
I don’t know,” Mundo replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Mundo asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Mundo asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”
1. There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner.”
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have his and his brother’s football numbers embroidered on their tuxes! I threatened to walk out but he said I wouldn’t see it until after we said our vows so I’d be stuck then!)
4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs
5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part.
6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar muscle car with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man.”
9. There would be “Tailgate Receptions.”
10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. (Those strippers and all that alcohol sure add up!!!)
13. Men wouldn’t ask, “Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
15. The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.
16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
17. No one would bother with that “Veil Routine.” But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
19. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol’ ball and chain. He’s getting married.
A) knocked her up; B) couldn’t get a different roommate; or C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line at half-time during Sunday’s Game. Please join us at the Clubhouse after the game For beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.