15 Greatest Drinking Quotes
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields
“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin
“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields
“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns
5 Tiger Woods Crash Jokes
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Funny Marriage Jokes
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”
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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”
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Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90′s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
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Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted. “I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box. “Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”
