American Pie
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Actual news clipping: A teenager who tried to copy a scene from the hit file ‘American Pie’ by shagging an apple pie was rushed to the hospital with serious burns to his penis.
Dwight Emburger, 17, couldn’t wait for the tasty pastry to cool down and after he slid in his pecker he was badly scalded by the hot filling.
A hospital spokesman in Boise, Idaho, said: ‘This demonstrates that producers should consider the effect their films have on young and impressionable people.’
I think the hospital spokesman should have been more worried about horny young idiots, than about impressionable young people.
A Texan on holiday
A Texas farmer went to Australia on vacation.
There he met an Aussie farmer who took him on a tour of his farm.
The Aussie showed of his big wheat field and the Texan said, ‘We have wheat fields twice the size of this.’
They walked around the farm a little and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle and the Texan said, ‘We have longhorns at least twice as big as your cows.’
All of a sudden the Texan saw a huge herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. ‘And what are those?’, he asked.
The Aussie replied, ‘Dont you have grasshoppers in Texas?’
10 reasons not to jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
5. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.