Tiger Woods Crash Jokes
* When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied “I’m not sure, put me down for a 5″
* I think Tiger needs a new driver, his current shaft keeps getting him in trouble!
* I read that the PGA are now investigating Tiger for having too many “woodies” in his bag!
* Tiger and Elin will get back together because she is already hitting on him.
* After scoring a couple of beautiful birdies earlier on, Tiger finds himself in serious trouble at the last hole, coming home.
* Did Elin use a “rescue club” to extract him from the Escalade?
* Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty – if the cops would have arrived a minute later he’d have lost the other one as well.
* Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.
* What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
* Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
* Tiger’s tip for wayward golfers: never ask your wife to keep track of your balls.
* I always knew Woods was a better putter than driver.
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
* What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.
* If Elin really did whack Tiger a couple of times with a golf club, it would have been in line with the rules of golf: there’s a 2-stroke penalty for playing the wrong hole.
* Hey Adidas, this is Tiger, Nike found your number in my phone. I need you to change your name…
Bad news and worse news
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
15 rules of drunk dialing
1. Only drunk dial when you’re drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2. It’s okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
3. If you’re going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. “Mom I’m in McDonald’s and they’re playing our song. I love you.”
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn’t want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
6. Drunk texting is OK, but only if you’re prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. It’s always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed… Never angry.
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They’re usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”.
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialing.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s. It’s karma.
