Blonde selling her car
A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
Obamas popularity check
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing under the bridge pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disneyland ‘
Barack said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my plane.’
The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.’
Barack said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!’
The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’
The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!’
Defining occupations as they actually are
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor – Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker – The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist – An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Statistician – Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary – Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
Lawyer – A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
Psychologist – A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher – Is some one who likes children. A royal baby sitter.
Consultant – Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat – Someone who can tell you to go some where you don’t like in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
