Attention employees
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING:She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:She’s a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING:Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING:Really?
INSTEAD OF:You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING:Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:It’s not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING:That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:This sh__ won’t work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING:I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING:He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:He’s got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING:Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__it, I’m on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING:He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Walking on Water
Three monks decided to practice meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration.
Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my other underwear to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”
Amazing booze
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’ Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?’ So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff—no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’
‘ Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Have you farted yet?’
‘No.’
‘Well, DON’T, ‘ cause I did and I’m in Perth. ’