Moses and Jesus playing golf
Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
Top 100 Funny One Liners Jokes
February 20, 2009 · Filed Under Funny Jokes · 2 Comments
- I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
- I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
- Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
- Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
- Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
- There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.
- Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
- You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
- Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
- Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
- It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
- Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
- Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
- I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
- Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
- I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
- By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
- Opinions are indeed like assholes, some are just bigger than others.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
- I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
- I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
Three Wishes
February 20, 2009 · Filed Under Funny Jokes · Comment
This man is walking on the beach and finds a genie’s lamp. He rubs it, and out pops the genie.
“You have three wishes,” says the genie, “but remember, every wish you make, your wife will get double.”
The man is going through a bitter divorce, but decides to take his three wishes anyway.
“Okay, for my first wish,” the man says, “I want a million-dollar home.”
POOF!–He gets a million-dollar home, and his wife gets a two-million-dollar home.
“For my second wish,” the man says, “I would like a billion dollars.”
POOF–He gets a billion dollars, and his wife gets two billion dollars.
“For my third wish,” the man finished, “could you beat me half to death?”
