How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn’t figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
What’s the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.
Where do you look for blondes’ obituaries?
Under “Home Improvements.”
Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn’t gotten all the hair off his tongue.
How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother?
He didn’t realize he was looking in a mirror.
Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
He couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!
Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
He didn’t know where to buy Left Guard!
Why couldn’t the blonde bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.
A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
They don’t know the route.
What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!
Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists?
They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself?
Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said “From 2-4 years.”
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
What’s the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it’s being cut down.
Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.
What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.
What’s a blonde’s favorite color?
A light shade of clear.
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.
Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
How did the blonde moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.
What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.
A blonde’s house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, “Duh, in your big red fire truck.”
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don’t reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.”
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.